Sunday, September 25, 2016

Intertwined tightly...

"I've had a burning in my chest for a few days now...an anxiousness, an irritability, a depressing grief. 12 years ago we lost my brother, Terry Lee. It's been 12 years since that horrible phone call that rushed us out the door and home for the worst days of my life. Memories flood this time of year. Just like real flood waters they cannot be kept at bay no matter how hard we try to ignore them. Some years it creeps up faster than others, some years it can be kept back longer, but inevitably it comes under the doors and up to the windows."

In a week from today, it will be 18 years since the day our lives were changed forever. 
 
I'm tired, a weary kind of tired.  These few weeks are the hardest of the year.  I have moments and hours, sometimes days of respite, then I find myself in that place again.  The place where you just feel an overwhelming sadness, the kind that doesn't want to turn you loose.  You blame it on other things at times, but you know the real cause. 
 
I cope, we all do.  Those who have had unexpected tragedy turn their world upside down.  In that upside down place, we find a new normal.  One that mixes grief with the passing of time-the living of life.   One that mixes joy with sorrow....until they are intertwined tightly. 
 
Then, some days. I feel weak.  Stressed.  Alone-a self-imposed loneliness. 
 
In those weak and lonely places, I cannot help being reminding that feelings are just feelings.  I have to remind myself where feelings can lead me.  They can lead me down a lonesome path or they can lead me to my Shelter in the storm. 
 
God has promised to never leave me, nor forsake me.  He is my strength, when all my strength is gone.  His power is made perfect in my weakness.  He says when the waters look like they will overtake me, He is my rescuer.  He promises to be the ONE that I can cast my cares upon.   He cares about all the little things in my life, because He cares about me. 
 
 peace and sorrow; grief and hope....
intertwined tightly
 
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2

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